I am dissatisfied. I don’t want to be but I am. It’s so easy to fall into a habit of discontentment. As a young person, I was taught that there would be so much to accomplish in all the areas of my life. I was praised by others constantly for my potential, talents, and promise. Naturally, as you grow older and make decisions in your life, it feels like that endless potential you’re told about when you’re in school grows limits. And that's a hard feeling to grapple with. You think to yourself: I’m almost x years old! I thought I’d have accomplished this by now! I thought I’d have this much in my bank account! I thought I’d be in a much easier place! Where did all that potential go?

Dear God,

Thank you for being everything I’ve ever needed. Thank you for being my friend when I am lonely, my heavenly father when I need guidance and direction, the lover of my soul when I need to be held and seen, my shield when I need to be protected, and my defender in times of fear and uncertainty. You have never let me down or given me a reason to not trust you.

Hey Pops, Teach me to be satisfied every morning. I’ve grown too used to putting off satisfaction for another day when some lofty goal is reached. I’ll be satisfied when I’m skinnier. I’ll be satisfied when I have x amount of money in my savings. I’ll be satisfied when my house is clean. There are a million reasons to put off satisfaction and happiness. It never takes long to sink into a rhythm of dissatisfaction with life. Why? Because I’ve grown used to my spiritual and emotional joy being contingent on temporal, and quite frankly, fleeting things.

Hey Pops, Thank you for always being steady, even when I am not. Even when the world is not. Even when my circumstances are not. You have always been over all, in all, and walking with me through everything. There was never a day where you weren’t there, holding me together. There was never a moment when you didn’t know the outcome. There was never a second where you were taken by surprise.

Hey Pops, It almost seems unreal that it could be 2022. Somehow, as a child, you think about what being grown will be like, but it’s hard to actually realize it. It’s almost like we take things for granted, whether it be our youth or being blessed enough to live long enough to step into the unknowns of life. There’s something about a new year that feels like standing on the edge of a pool. There’s no doubt that you will plunge in, but when? How? Once you’ve committed to a plunge, gravity takes over and there is no going back.

Hey Pops, I’ve been thinking and praying a lot about wanting to really understand what it means to be the Bride of Christ. Maybe it’s because I can look on the sentiment with my own experiential sentimentality, but I want to truly realize what it is to be your bride. Because now I know in the physical what it is to be one. I know the anticipation of a wedding celebration where everyone in attendance is there to look upon and witness a love great enough to don its very best and meet at an altar to profess that love.

Hey Pops, I feel like there’s nothing like a New Year for re-evaluation. And for some reason, whenever I take stock of where I am, I always beat myself up for falling short. So I take stock of where I am spiritually and I find that I’m way short of where I want to be. My prayer life is dry. My worship for you is silent. My time spent in other places.

Hey Pops, I’ve been frustrated recently, remembering where I’ve been in the past and not feeling like I’m there before. I know that I shouldn’t compare where I used to be with where I am now, but sometimes, I can’t help it. I feel like I should be deeper, more confident, or more satisfied. To be honest, I can’t put my finger on exactly what I feel is missing or why I can’t seem to stir myself up to enjoy you more consistently.

Hey, Pops, I need you more. The more I give my heart to you, the more I feel inadequate in my daily life. The more I desire you, the more I fall short as a friend, a coworker, a leader, and a daughter. The more I try to hide, the more exposed I feel. I don’t feel worthy to take up the space you’ve called me to fill. I feel like you’ve asked the wrong girl and given too much responsibility to someone so undeserving.

Hey Pops, I can’t help but praise you when I think back on my life. I can’t believe all the goodness you’ve poured out on me; I hold each signal of your great love for me against my heart and worship you. I didn’t deserve any of the kindness you’ve shown me. There have been so many days where I doubted that you were working; that I turned away because I was fickle and immature. There have been so many moments that I’ve doubted your will to come in and save me again and again and again.

Hey Pops, I want to be more constantly aware of you. For too long, I’ve let personal drama get in the way of consistently pursuing you. I’ve let people and situations distract me from what really matters: sitting at your feet and putting my mind on you. Forgive my short-sightedness. Forgive my selfish heart. Forgive my scattered focus and for allowing my attention to be stolen so easily.

Dear Lord, I thank you for who you are each and every second, minute, and day that you continue to prove yourself through. You are an unchanging God who loves me in every heart-condition and I am unbelievably blessed. You fight for me when I cannot bear to face things myself and you come to my defense when I cannot even bring myself to stand. You are always at my right hand ready to teach me, love me, and show me how to persevere.

Jesus, I pray that you would give me a heart like this. A heart that is in awe of you at all times, that tells everyone of your love and mercy, and that is continually trusting in you. God, you are magnificent, but I am so broken. I am scared and I feel helpless. I cannot bring myself to this place of wanting to trust you anymore. Wherever I look, everything around me feels like it’s falling apart. God, I know you have a purpose in everything you do, but can I tell you how frustrated and helpless I feel right now?

Hey Pops, I find myself longing for you more and more these days. I know what it feels like to be so close to your side, and I miss that. Like Mary, I’ve sat at your feet and listened carefully and hungrily to your every word. I know what it’s like to live so intimately with you, so when I start to run dry, I feel it harshly.

‬‬Dear God, As we go into this new year, I pray you give us a newfound hope and motivation to live for you in all we do. I pray that we would recognize your grace in our lives everyday and there would be no moment we would take you for granted. Let this be the year that our love runs deeper for you and our compassion rises towards the hurting people around us. God, I pray you show us your purpose for us in this new year as we face it head on with all we have.

Hey Pops, All this season, I’ve felt so captured by this picture: a dusty, low-lit stable. Horses, maybe some cattle, all huddled in their stalls, making the occasional barnyard chatter. Somewhere in the room, a torch is burning, lighting up a little area and casting long shadows across the dirt floor and the stable walls.