You are such a good God. You have walked beside me every day of my life, whether I deserved it or not. If I’m being honest, I never deserved your love, care, or grace. But you pursued me. You watched over me, protected me, and drew me to you. There were seasons in my life when I desired things that glorified me more than I desired you. I prioritized my friends, family, dreams, and pleasure, and still there are times where that creeps back in.

When you’re a kid, you want your parents to pray for you for a lot of things. When you go to sleep, they say your bedtime prayers. When you sit down to eat, they pray for your food. When you fall down and get hurt, they pray over the scrapes and bumps.And for a kid, it feels like the prayers are better because it’s your mom or dad praying. The funny thing is, over the years that Sam and I have been in ministry, the premise is still the same for churchgoers to ask their pastors to pray on their behalf. Some people just feel that their pastor’s prayers are more effective or better heard by God.

I don’t know about you, but my prayer life could use a refresh. Between my family, being pregnant again, work, and everything in between, I can slack in that department. Of course, I pray with my daughter and here and there, but sometimes, my prayers can be weak. They can become the same phrases, needs, and topics. That’s common. I think if you polled a group of people and they were being really honest, most would say the same. So I know I’m not alone in saying that my prayers could most definitely be deeper. I don’t want the Lord to see me as someone who checks in briefly with the same, old, tired pleasantries and then moves on to the next thing.

For most, not being able to speak would be a severe punishment. Not being able to speak in the middle of a miracle would be even harder. And for Zechariah? He was about to experience the miracle of his lifetime. If you know about having a baby, you know that when it comes time to tell people you’re expecting, it’s some of the most exciting news to share with others. It’s news you’re bursting to give. And if you’ve experienced years and years of wanting a child, living through all the anticipation turned disappointment as time marched on well past the time where it was possible, then the news that a baby is finally on its way is incredible.

I am dissatisfied. I don’t want to be but I am. It’s so easy to fall into a habit of discontentment. As a young person, I was taught that there would be so much to accomplish in all the areas of my life. I was praised by others constantly for my potential, talents, and promise. Naturally, as you grow older and make decisions in your life, it feels like that endless potential you’re told about when you’re in school grows limits. And that's a hard feeling to grapple with. You think to yourself: I’m almost x years old! I thought I’d have accomplished this by now! I thought I’d have this much in my bank account! I thought I’d be in a much easier place! Where did all that potential go?

The first war Israel had to fight after becoming a free nation of people is seen in the latter half of Exodus 17. Their enemy, Amalek, and his army attacked the nation of Israel unprovoked and in a reprehensible way. Instead of attacking Israel’s camp head on, they attacked them from the back. In ancient times, the elders, leaders, and strongest among a group would be out in front, leading the way and providing the protection needed for their more vulnerable members located in the back. Taking up the rear were usually women, children, elderly, and the infirm. For Amalek to surprise attack Israel and target their defenseless citizens was not only below the belt but despicable and cowardly.

Dear God,

Thank you for being everything I’ve ever needed. Thank you for being my friend when I am lonely, my heavenly father when I need guidance and direction, the lover of my soul when I need to be held and seen, my shield when I need to be protected, and my defender in times of fear and uncertainty. You have never let me down or given me a reason to not trust you.

Hey Pops, Teach me to be satisfied every morning. I’ve grown too used to putting off satisfaction for another day when some lofty goal is reached. I’ll be satisfied when I’m skinnier. I’ll be satisfied when I have x amount of money in my savings. I’ll be satisfied when my house is clean. There are a million reasons to put off satisfaction and happiness. It never takes long to sink into a rhythm of dissatisfaction with life. Why? Because I’ve grown used to my spiritual and emotional joy being contingent on temporal, and quite frankly, fleeting things.

Ever been on a long road trip with a baby? I have now, and if you take a look at this past weekend, you might say I took several. We had to take a trip to Connecticut this weekend as a family– yes, including our six week old, Piper, and Archie, our dog. In order to try and make the journey easier, we planned to make several stops along the way that would let us stop and rest on our way to where we had to be and then traveling back home.

Hey Pops, Thank you for always being steady, even when I am not. Even when the world is not. Even when my circumstances are not. You have always been over all, in all, and walking with me through everything. There was never a day where you weren’t there, holding me together. There was never a moment when you didn’t know the outcome. There was never a second where you were taken by surprise.

Hey Pops, It almost seems unreal that it could be 2022. Somehow, as a child, you think about what being grown will be like, but it’s hard to actually realize it. It’s almost like we take things for granted, whether it be our youth or being blessed enough to live long enough to step into the unknowns of life. There’s something about a new year that feels like standing on the edge of a pool. There’s no doubt that you will plunge in, but when? How? Once you’ve committed to a plunge, gravity takes over and there is no going back.

There have been three separate times where I’ve witnessed nature and felt simultaneously so small and powerless against the greatness of God’s creation, and comforted with the fact that the same Mastermind of this same landscape thought that I was important enough to include in His design. The first was at the foot of the colossal horseshoe at the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. The second was stepping out of the airport in Cape Town to see the three mountain peaks that makeup that city’s skyline: Devil’s Peak, Table Mountain, and Lion’s Head. The third was this weekend, from the Fred W. Symmes Chapel in Camp Greenville, South Carolina.

Hey Pops, I’ve been thinking and praying a lot about wanting to really understand what it means to be the Bride of Christ. Maybe it’s because I can look on the sentiment with my own experiential sentimentality, but I want to truly realize what it is to be your bride. Because now I know in the physical what it is to be one. I know the anticipation of a wedding celebration where everyone in attendance is there to look upon and witness a love great enough to don its very best and meet at an altar to profess that love.

Hey Pops, I feel like there’s nothing like a New Year for re-evaluation. And for some reason, whenever I take stock of where I am, I always beat myself up for falling short. So I take stock of where I am spiritually and I find that I’m way short of where I want to be. My prayer life is dry. My worship for you is silent. My time spent in other places.

I don’t like really talking politics on Soul Deep. I never want to use this site as a manipulation tool or a soapbox. From its founding, I wanted to build a site and a ministry that pushed people towards Jesus and revealed deep truths about Him. I pray that I have used my very small platform to help you see more of God’s character and His love for you. I pray that I’ve never come across as a teacher that pushes her own agenda over the God-breathed word. I would never want my own political ideology to come through stronger than the standard of God’s heart.

Hey Pops, I’ve been frustrated recently, remembering where I’ve been in the past and not feeling like I’m there before. I know that I shouldn’t compare where I used to be with where I am now, but sometimes, I can’t help it. I feel like I should be deeper, more confident, or more satisfied. To be honest, I can’t put my finger on exactly what I feel is missing or why I can’t seem to stir myself up to enjoy you more consistently.