Modern Psalms: Forgive My Hidden Faults
“The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The decrees of the Lord are firm, and all of them are righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the honeycomb. By them your servant is warned; in keeping them there is great reward.” (Psalm 19: 8-11, NLT)
Hey Pops,
I’ve been frustrated recently, remembering where I’ve been in the past and not feeling like I’m there before. I know that I shouldn’t compare where I used to be with where I am now, but sometimes, I can’t help it. I feel like I should be deeper, more confident, or more satisfied. To be honest, I can’t put my finger on exactly what I feel is missing or why I can’t seem to stir myself up to enjoy you more consistently.
I know you are good. I know you are pure and radiant. I know you are more precious than gold; you are firm and to be with you is sweeter than anything else I could ever know. I know that because you are all these things that your commandments are just the same.
Does my lack of satisfaction correlate to a failure to keep your commands? It’s probable. No, I’m not sleeping around. I’m not abusing substances. I’m not living wildly outside of your parameters. But am I doing smaller things? Do I gossip? Do I speak harshly? Do I act righteously all the time? Do I always treat my clients, friends, family, husband, and aquaintances the way I would want to be treated?
The answer is no. Not always. In fact, those are the areas I fall short in more often than not. And maybe these things are not considered “big sins” on the sliding scale of what’s right and wrong, but if I’m being real, there is no sliding scale anyway. I’m tired of justifying my shortcomings by excusing them as a “lesser evil” than someone else’s. I’m tired of allowing myself to shy away from the mental, spiritual, and emotional work that comes with constantly trying to be more like Jesus.
I’ve made excuses for too long. I’ve allowed myself to become too complacent. And there’s nothing– no work, nothing I could strive for– that would allow me to get to a place of true satisfaction. There is nothing I could do on my own strength or discipline that would bring me deeper into Your Holy of Holies… deeper into contentment that I know could only come with time spent with You. Because I lived it. I was there once.
So Lord, bring my heart to a genuine place of obedience. Forgive me for my sins– because there is no “big sin” or “little sin” for you. It’s all the same. And remind my heart again how wonderful it is to live in the parameters you have given for me to live a full and satisfied life at your feet. Show me again how precious your commandments are and give me a desire– a deep longing– to obey them. Let it be constantly on my mind, operating even sub-consciously as I go through my day-to-day life.
“But who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression.” (Psalm 19: 12-13, NLT)
Jesus, unblind me. Help me to see the things within me that are keeping me from being the servant I want to be, and help me to transform those areas of myself. Show me the errors in me that I allow to go unchallenged and give me the strength and integrity and desire to change those parts of me that fall short. I need your help, Jesus. I could never want righteousness on my own, so I thank you, Holy Spirit, for placing this dissatisfaction within me so that I can begin to draw nearer to You.
You are pure glory, Pops. There is no other way to describe or see you without running out of words. All of creation praises you daily as they continue to do what you created them for. Help me to be a better instrument like them; that my very being would only exist as a sign of your awesome wonder and that my life would be worship to you. Help me to be like David, who labored over songs and psalms that captured your beauty and strength.
Teach my heart to love you better; to meditate on your word, Lord. Make my thoughts, actions, and life pleasing in your sight. That’s what I want, today and every day.
Talk again soon,
Cortney
