Modern Psalms: I Need You to be My Source
“May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.” (Psalm 19:14, NLT)
Hey, Pops,
I need you more
The more I give my heart to you, the more I feel inadequate in my daily life. The more I desire you, the more I fall short as a friend, a coworker, a leader, and a daughter. The more I try to hide, the more exposed I feel.
I don’t feel worthy to take up the space you’ve called me to fill. I feel like you’ve asked the wrong girl and given too much responsibility to someone so undeserving.
In short, I need you. I need you to cover me and hold me and be my steadfast lover. I feel small, so I need you to be my strength. I feel shallow, so I need you to remind me of the deep well you’ve told me I am. I feel deflated, so I need you to tell me that my spirit is pleasing to you, even in its slightly flattened state.
Lord, I just need you, and I want you the way a child wants their dad. I feel as if I’m waiting for you to come for me with belly laughs and arms wide open. I just need sweet time with you.
I just want to be found in you. When I’m at work, I want people to hear your voice. When I’m with friends, I want them to see your face. When I’m serving others, I want them to feel your embrace and know your heart. And that starts with taking my stupid, fickle, graceless self and making it more like you.
So today, even though I feel useless and deflated, I pray that the words I speak won’t be grounded in those emotions. I ask that you would still my mind, calm my anxiety, and fill my mouth with your praises, your goodness, and your peace. Make the meditations of my heart less about the areas I see my own failure, and more about the ways you’re working. Make the words that come out of my mouth less about protecting my pride, and more about the good things you’ve graciously given.
You redeemed me, even before I knew you. You stood firm, even when I wavered. You are the same as you’ve always been, so I will not doubt you. Open my eyes to see the beauty you’ve allowed to show through the cracks in the process you’ve been working in me. Help me to be patient in the seasons where it feels like I’m being flattened like a pancake. Help me to remember that I’m not, in fact, a pancake, but an olive; something that needs to be crushed in order to be made into something more eternal and valuable.
Help me to feel worthy of the space you’ve given me to take up and make my heart, soul, and mind into something that will give you more glory, even when I feel inadequate.
Thank you for always being there. Thank you for being the One I wake up to, and the One who watches over me from morning to evening. Thank you for loving me for all my pieces and for knowing the true motives of my heart.
I love you, Pops.
Talk to you later,
Cortney
