It can be so difficult sometimes to trust in the Lord. In fact, it can be near impossible at times. Whether it be because you have no idea what He’s planning, or because everything around you seems to be going crazy. Whatever it is, we all have a moment where we are frustrated and doubtful. In fact, those moments seem to be quite frequent for me.

Truth time: Recently, I realized how numb I can become to the goodness of God. It was the week of Good Friday. My family and I watched “The Passion of the Christ.” Funny, how a confrontation with the cross can realign us and set us straight. As much as I hate to say this, as I became a teenager, I forgot the importance of that sacrifice. I felt as if it was just another story in a book. I never really thought about the whole meaning behind it or realized that if it weren’t for God’s sacrifice, I wouldn't have eternal life. I wouldn't be able to say that I don't have to punish myself because I’ve sinned over and over again.

I wrote those words in the middle of winter, while sitting at my desk in small-town Potsdam, New York. Three months later, as I re-read my old, unedited words, I sat back and thought about how much my life had been flipped upside down. Later that night, I had received an email, saying that I would have three days to get rid of all of my belongings, and move out of my college dorm to live with my parents on Long Island again. I was crushed, especially after writing such strong, comforting words earlier that morning.

There is no fear in love. All of God’s promises to us are awesome, but there is something about this one that catches my heart. Anyone who knows me, knows that this is one of the verses I try to live by, and model my heart after. It’s a verse that has been a banner over my relationship and a mantra through some really hard decisions. There is no fear in love.

It’s in times like this that I wonder: How do people that don’t know who Jesus is get through this life? How do those who don’t know His love face the uncertainty of the day? How do those who don’t stand in His promises cope with their fear and deep sadness that is an inevitability to this life? Because I don’t think that I’d be able to function in this year alone if I didn’t have the steadfast faithfulness of God to lean into in days like these.

False teaching. False Gospel. Counterfeit Jesus. This week, I was reminded big time of just how much we need to be on guard against these things. I’m sure that by now, you’ve all seen the Plandemic video that’s gone viral. If you haven’t, it’s basically a documentary that’s been put out to spin a conspiracy that questions the government’s intentions behind the COVID-19. Whether or not the video is based in fact isn’t what I want to jump into today, but I will admit, the video caused me to anxiety spiral for a few hours.

So if you couldn’t tell by now, I’m using my quarantine time to read through the gospel of Mark, and I’m being really blessed by all these stories that I thought I knew like the back of my hand. I love it when I read through a story and find something I never saw before. I’m sure all my grew-up-in-Sunday-school friends know exactly what I’m talking about… having certain stories so drilled and told and retold that the meaning of the scripture becomes background noise.

This quarantine has added a lot more free time to most people’s daily life. Many have used it to start Tik-Tok accounts, start a new Netflix series, or maybe some have even learned how to cook. Whatever the case may be for you, you’ve probably added more ‘self-care’ into your routine. Whether it be taking luxurious baths, trying out new skincare products, or reading books that you’ve had on your shelf for months just waiting to be cracked open; you have probably been focusing on caring for yourself as much as possible during this uncertain time. While all of those things are great– and probably extremely necessary for your mental health right now– there’s one thing that I just want to encourage you guys in today: spiritual self-care.

Boy, is this coronavirus teaching me a thing or two about my control issues. For those who don’t know, I’m supposed to get married in June. And by that, I mean, it’s still happening, but we’re getting to the point where some difficult decisions have to be made. Me, I was always the girl who dreamed about her wedding: the fairytale day that’s all about me and the love of my life taking the biggest step together. I grew up dreaming about every aspect of the day from the food and flowers to the music and the dress.

I think my favorite part about Jesus is that He does very intentional things in a roundabout way. The course of action He takes is almost never the one we would, but it always seems to work out better than what we could have ever forced together in our own strength. It’s because He sees the whole picture. We see dust, He sees an opportunity for life. We see a storm, He sees an opportunity to teach. We see a cross and a tomb, He sees grace and eternal life. So when the paralytic man in Mark 2 is lowered through the roof to sit right in front of Jesus, everyone expects Jesus to heal this man’s broken body. Instead, Jesus throws us a curveball.

The day of Pentecost… In summary, a group of people gathers in one place, with one goal. Suddenly, God’s Spirit comes down and confuses their language. From there, the people scatter into the world. Does this remind you of a different Bible story? For me, I immediately go back to Genesis 11: The Tower of Babel. Think about it; a group of people gathered together with one goal– to build a city with a tower that reaches into the heavens– and God comes down to confuse their language and they end up scattered over the face of the Earth.

I struggled over whether or not I would speak on this. Between the memes, the news, the hysteria, and the somehow innate feeling that all people have to comment on current events– as if it changes much of anything– I feel that what I have to say is of little to no consequence compared to the ocean of content concerning COVID-19. Nevertheless, I am hearing some things from my fellow Christians that just don’t sit right with me, and although I know my thoughts are just a drop in the bucket, I do have to stand against the strange and unbiblical ideas that I see with a simple scroll through any of my social media outlets.

When I think of Soul Deep, I think of it as something that God led me into, using me to share Jesus with and blessing me immensely. God peeled back the layers of me that told me I could not do it and used all the passion I had for writing lying underneath. The passion I have for sharing God's word with others through words and being there for other people is probably one of my biggest passions. There is not much I love more than writing about God. God speaks through me as I write, how could I not be in awe that He’s chosen me to be His mouthpiece?

Hey, Pops, I need you more. The more I give my heart to you, the more I feel inadequate in my daily life. The more I desire you, the more I fall short as a friend, a coworker, a leader, and a daughter. The more I try to hide, the more exposed I feel. I don’t feel worthy to take up the space you’ve called me to fill. I feel like you’ve asked the wrong girl and given too much responsibility to someone so undeserving.

Do you ever forget who you are? Before you know it minutes turn into hours, hours into days, and days into weeks, causing you to lose sight of your identity, and purpose, through Jesus Christ. That is a place that many of us have passed through before. You may also be someone who feels that you've never known who you are. You have just been wondering since you have been able to wonder. Maybe you have never found the “right” answer or the answer that gave you the most purpose. I feel that I can confidently say that most likely almost everyone has been in that place of wondering, and if you are a follower of the Lord than you have most likely forgotten even if it has been minutes rather than weeks.

I’m not sure how God speaks to you because it can be very individual. God speaks to me in color, brush strokes and paint. Let me explain. I am a bible journaler. I take what I am learning, what God is speaking to me about and document it. Sometimes in my bible, sometimes in a journal and sometimes it comes out in another way. By doing this when I look back I can see the woven thread so to speak. I can see the journey much clearer. This morning my daughter Megan asked me if I would like to be a guest writer for Soul Deep Devotions.